


Give Them To Me To Carry

by PayItForwardYo



Series: Struggle [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, marital rape - non descriptive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-11 23:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2086410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PayItForwardYo/pseuds/PayItForwardYo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because nightmares born from years of trauma don’t just disappear because somebody decides to hold your hand.  Even in fairy tales.  Even if it’s Emma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Continuation of “The Friend You Need” - Didn't mean to write it... it just sort of happened.  
> Please note - there's mention of marital rape in later chapters. Please steer clear of that's difficult for you to read about.

Regina paused over her paperwork, long absent smile ghosting across her face as she felt the presence of a certain werewolf striding towards her office door. A werewolf at her door meant food and Regina suddenly realized she well past being hungry.

Her small smile faded as quickly as it had appeared because a werewolf with food meant that she’d missed lunch with Emma. They weren’t set lunch dates, of course - Regina simply did not miss appointments - but it was a standing noontime invitation to join the blonde at the diner if she was available, and she had grown quite fond of having companionship over lunch. 

Blonde companionship.

Regina looked at the mounds of paperwork spread across her desk in various states of completion and frowned. She had not been available today. She'd been slowed by lack of sleep the entire week and just couldn't seem to get caught up, no matter how many lunches she skipped or late evenings she passed in her study. 

With a sigh and a conscious effort to remove her revealing frown, Regina magiced her door open just ahead of the knock. The open door revealed a scowling Ruby and the Mayor was forced to school her features again, this time biting back a wry smile.

“How do you DO that? I’m a wolf for Christ’s sake!”

Regina looked at her steadily and replied with little emotion. “And I’m a witch, Miss Lucas. You’ll have to do better than that.” 

“Can you hear Granny coming?” Ruby inquired somewhat boldly, remembering that Emma had pleaded with her recently to make an effort with the fairly isolated Mayor and totally banking on the hope that she wouldn’t fireball her only lunch source.

In truth, Ruby had nothing to worry about - Regina was pleased at having company, even if was only to be briefly. So she finally allowed herself that small smile and was immediately rewarded for her efforts when Ruby visibly relaxed. Regina had decided recently to make a more concerted effort where Emma’s best friend was concerned and steadfastly refused to think too deeply about why. 

“You’ll have to take that up with Eugenia. Now,” Regina continued, “dare I ask what Miss Swan ordered for me this time?”

Feeling more and more in her element every second, Ruby practically skipped from the door to the desk, looking as unlike a werewolf as humanly possible. “She wanted to send over a burger but I talked her out of it. Egg salad sandwich.” Ruby nodded towards the bag being passed between them. “There may or may not be french fries in there.”

“Well done Miss Lucas,” Regina praised while handing her a folded up twenty, as she did every time her lunch arrived. “Please keep the change dear.” 

Ruby rolled her eyes as she glanced at the bill. “You know, you give me like a 150% tip every time. I was cool with it at first because, you know, money. But I’m starting to feel like I’m robbing ya here.”

“Nonsense Miss Lucas. Very few people would brave my office to deliver my lunch and at this point I would surely starve without your efforts.”

Regina looked up from the papers she’d returned to marking briefly and captured the young woman’s eyes with her powerful gaze. “Please do not underestimate how much I value your efforts. Crass as it is, a generous tip is the most acceptable way for me to express my gratitude.”

Regina saw the young woman blush, maybe for the first time ever, and looked back down at her paperwork to give Ruby a chance to compose herself. When she heard an “Uhm, thanks” after an only slightly awkward delay, Regina took it as her cue to return her gaze to her guest, consciously lowering its intensity. She even smiled slightly to relieve any tension that might be hanging in the air after their overly familiar (for them) exchange. 

“Of course. I’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow Miss Lucas. Please have a good day.”

Mostly recovered and faking the rest Ruby skipped out with an imperious wave over her shoulder, leaving Regina to sit pensively in her empty office with paperwork that seemed suddenly much less engrossing than before.

~-~-~-~-~

Back from her one and only delivery, because honestly Granny’s didn’t even offer delivery service, Ruby leaned on the counter in front of Emma and wasn’t a bit surprised when the official department issue cell phone, which happened to be littered with stickers of swans, buzzed next to her plate.

_“Thank you for the lunch Miss Swan. I’m sorry I couldn’t join you this afternoon.”_

Emma frowned at her phone slightly as she typed in her reply, all under Ruby’s watchful gaze. _“No worries. We still on for breakfast tomorrow?”_

As Emma stared at her phone, waiting for a reply, Ruby nudged her arm to get her attention. 

“What’s wrong Em?”

Emma glanced up quickly, confused. “What? Nothing. Why?”

“You’re frowning at you phone like it stole your last cookie.”

“She called me Miss Swan.”

“So, she called me Miss Lucas. That’s, you know, her thing.” Ruby hesitated. “Right?”

“I don’t know. I guess but… I’ve been Emma for months now. She really only calls me Miss Swan when something’s wrong.” Emma mused, mostly to herself.

Suddenly concerned and not really even knowing why, Emma began to pepper Ruby with rapid fire questions. “You were just there. Did she seem ok? Was she angry? Sad? Distracted?”

Ruby held up her hands in front of her against the sudden barrage and scowled. “Whoa there. How the Hell would I know? She just sat there in front of mounds of paperwork and handed me her customary massive tip. I guess she looked kinda tired. Maybe?”

Ruby shook her head and then repeated quizzically, “How the Hell would I know?”

The agitated blonde was just about to throw more questions across the counter when her phone buzzed and she snatched at it quickly.

_“Of course. I’m looking forward to it.”_

Emma read it to Ruby like a schoolgirl and the wolf grinned at her. “See, there you go. Nothing to worry about. And you’ll see her yourself tomorrow.” When Emma seemed less than reassured she added, “Early.”

Ruby picked absently at her apron and waited a bit for her friend to even out, and when she didn’t, decided to throw her a bone. “You know, she was really nice to me today.”

That got a smile out of Emma and Ruby was instantly glad she’d shared. “Of course she was; she likes you. You’re ballsy - you know she respects that.”

“She said that?” Ruby barely got the response out as a squeak and Emma’s smile turned indulgent. There weren’t many people that could fluster Ruby, but Regina certainly could, and Emma could sympathize with that so she immediately took pity. 

“Of course not. She used an SAT word - I think she picked ‘audacious’.” Ruby gave her a bit of a blank stare and Emma grinned. “I asked Henry. It means ballsy.”

They hovered there for a while, comfortable in the silence, until Emma asked randomly, “You didn’t tell her about the burger, did you?”

Ruby smirked and Emma threw a wadded up napkin in her direction mouthing, “Asshole”, so the whole diner wouldn’t hear. Emma briefly considered escalating with her final napkin, but it was getting about that time so she shoved herself from the stool instead and started over to the register.

Ruby followed, throwing out another question as they walked - one that had bugging her for a while but she’d kept to herself. “You know, Regina managed to feed herself just fine before you rolled in to town. What’s up with that?”

Emma’s expression turned thoughtful as she responded and settled her bill. “Her life’s really changed - she’s allowing herself to care about a hell of a lot more people than before and she really only knows how to do that one hundred percent, twenty-four seven. I don’t think there’s much left when it comes to taking care of herself. I’m just picking up the slack.”

Emma shrugged like it was no big deal to sell her half truth. Regina’s circle was growing, and she often cared for others to her own detriment. And it absolutely did take it’s toll on her, as Emma and the town had witnessed on more than one occasion. But none of that was the reason Emma had taken such a keen interest in Regina’s well being. The truth was the Regina was struggling, and had been for a while, for longer than any of them had even known her, and Emma was done letting her struggle alone. 

She’d been given the title of Savior against her will but she was damn well going to decide herself who it was she saved.


	2. Chapter 2

Regina hadn’t meant to fall asleep. She’d just layed down for a moment after her shower to rest her eyes before she had to make breakfast for Henry and then begin her day. But she was running on empty in the sleep department, having again spent most of the evening and early morning hours studiously avoiding it and the requisite nightmares, and a moment was all it took. One minute she was placing a towel over her pillow to keep it dry and the next she was screaming herself awake and clawing at the restrictive blankets that she somehow found herself partially under.

The sound faded quickly from the bedroom but the images from her nightmare had already lodged in her conscious memory and were making her stomach flip sickeningly. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the sensation and willed herself to gain some semblance of control over her body. 

She’s managed it thousands of times in the past but the whole process seemed dangerously in doubt and she could feel a different sort of panic hovering just on the periphery. But thankfully with some concentration and deep breathing she was eventually able to push herself up, cautiously, into a sitting position. She swiped a hand through her disheveled hair and checked the door out of the corner of her eye to make sure it was closed. The nightmares were a constant in her life and she had long ago magically soundproofed the bedroom to keep from disturbing Henry, but it only worked if the door was closed and she hadn’t intended on falling asleep when she’d entered.

It was.

Still trying to quiet her labored breathing, Regina allowed herself to sink back into the mattress, knowing she should be getting up to start breakfast instead. But the images from her dream were filtering back and forth across her mind’s eye like a movie, screwing mightily with her equilibrium, and suddenly it seemed like the safest choice. She closed her eyes and pressed the heels of each hand deeply into her sockets, hoping to both stem the tide of images and quiet the pounding in her head they were creating.

It didn’t do much good though. Her thoughts continued to swirl unchecked in a jumble of remembered pain and she was in danger of sinking into a hole too deep to crawl out of had Henry not decided to knock gently and push the door open slightly. He poked his head in a moment later with a soft “Mom?”. Regina had dropped her hands from her eyes automatically at the sound of her son’s presence and looked for all the world like she was still sleeping.

Regina had no idea what her voice would sound like but aside from a gentle rasp that could be attributed to sleep, her response sounded almost normal, and for that she was grateful. “I’m awake sweetheart. Come in.” Years of hiding everything from everybody had left her a master at the trade.

She turned her head towards the door but didn’t rise - her senses seemed to have calmed in Henry’s presence and she wanted it to stay that way. Her vantage point was slightly skewed but she still noticed immediately that Henry was eyeing her uncertainly. He was very obviously trying to remember the last time he had been ready before his Mom. 

Trying to be reassuring, she patted a spot next to her on the bed and he obliged by walking over and taking a seat. He sat down gently and Regina knew he was being very careful with her. He knew something was up. 

“I’m running behind schedule. Could you make do with cereal this morning?”

Henry nodded solemnly - more solemnly than a question about breakfast generally warranted. She could tell her son was worried and he confirmed it for her almost immediately. “You ok Mom? You seem…” He wasn’t sure how to finish. He was approaching adulthood quickly but didn’t have the life experiences to accurately read her. Not the way Emma could. So he just ended his question with a shrug.

“I’m fine Henry. I just have a headache.” It wasn’t a lie, her head was pounding, but the untruth came in the details she left out. Still, she gave herself a pass on this one. Henry’s job was to be a boy, not his mother’s caretaker.

His brows furrowed and he frowned, but his face lightened at the same time, an odd juxtaposition of emotions. A headache was a normal, mundane problem and that seemed to relieve him greatly. “Oh. That sucks. It’s Friday you know… Should I tell Emma you can’t make breakfast today?” 

Regina’s breath hitched noticeably at the thought of missing yet another meal with the blonde and Henry couldn’t help but notice it this close up. He, of course, attributed it to the pain and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder immediately. “I’ll call her and tell her you’re sick.”

Regina knew she should let Henry make the call but found herself answering exactly the opposite. “No, that’s ok honey. I’ll be fine by then.” 

“Ok, I guess,” He looked at her dubiously but rose up from the bed anyway. “But rest for a bit, ok? You’ve got time.”

~~~~~~~~

Emma pulled out her phone and checked the clock and her messages for the hundredth time. She was sitting in a booth at Granny’s waiting for Regina to show up. It was ridiculous, really, for Emma to be so worked up already. Regina was only about ten minutes late, which wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar if it weren’t for her unerring punctuality. Emma couldn’t remember a single occasion where Regina hadn’t gotten to the diner before her. She was so habitually early that she’d taken to ordering for the both of them when Emma was late to ‘teach her the rewards of punctuality’, as Regina had put it.

Her phone buzzed on the table and she snatched it up and pulled open the message in one move. When she saw that it was from Henry and not Regina she felt an unpleasant tightness in her gut that, until yesterday, she hadn’t felt in months. His message was short, but clear. “Mom there?”

That sealed it for Emma. Something was definitely up. She had just typed out a terse “No” when the door jingled open and Regina strode into the diner. She swapped it to “Yes” and sent it then dropped the phone back in her pocket so it wouldn’t distract her from her companion. From this distance she looked right as rain but Emma had been burned by this woman before. There was nobody better at putting on masks than Regina Mills. 

Regina slipped into her side of the booth with her customary grace somewhat lacking and was apologizing immediately. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting. That was incredibly rude and if you ordered me something terrible I will consume it without question.” 

The words were right and Emma smiled at them even as she noticed the subtler signs that something was amiss. Regina’s posture was relaxed but her hands were folded over each other tightly and her eyes met Emma’s confidently but the tight lines spoke of a growing pain behind them. These were the warnings that Emma had recently learned to trust as she’d grown closer and closer to the former Queen. Something wasn’t right.

“I just got your usual. I’ve never seen you be late like, ever, so I figured you had a flat tire or had to close a random chasm to hell or something.” Emma left the statement open, giving her companion the chance to open up as she now sometimes would. 

But Regina just smiled a smile that never really reached her eyes and the coil of tension in Emma’s gut tightened. Emma hadn’t seen Regina this guarded with her in a long time and the loss she felt surprised her in it’s intensity. 

“Nothing so intriguing. I woke with a headache and fell behind. I still should have contacted you.”

Her spidey sense tingled with the half truth of it and she forced herself not to push, but she did intend to scold Regina for ignoring her well being once again. That was a slippery slope for her and Emma had no intention of letting her slide down it again. “Regina, please. You have to take care of yourself.” Emma felt a scowl forming, despite her best efforts to keep this more of a light hearted scolding. “If you weren’t feeling well you should have stayed home.” 

“Nonsense.” For the first time since she arrived, Regina’s eyes displayed some emotion as she brushed the idea aside and Emma couldn’t figure out what could have caused it. “That’s not necessary.” 

The almost outburst was confusing and the emotion crawled across Emma’s face before she could school it away. Regina caught it easily, being as adept at reading Emma as Emma was at reading her, and dipped her head slightly in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry. I was disappointed that I couldn’t join you for lunch yesterday and was unwilling to miss breakfast as well.”

Emma accepted the completely out of character admission with no fanfare, not wanting to make Regina uncomfortable sharing thoughts like this now or in the future. Instead she just shrugged her ‘It’s no problem shrug’ and smiled. “Hey, maybe breakfast will help?”

In a world of magic, almost everything seems magical but their plates arriving at just that moment was nothing more than a coincidence. As always, Emma attacked her plate with gusto but, hyper alert to Regina, she noticed immediately that her companion was just moving her food around and eating very little of it. Still concerned, she pointed her fork at Regina’s plate and raised an eyebrow. “You’re making a mural there. Are you going to actually eat that?”

Regina shifted her attention to her plate for a moment and Emma noticed her swallow convulsively against the thought. “I’m not sure that would be a good idea at the moment.”

Emma sighed in sympathy and decided to try to gently nudge Regina in the proper direction. “Come on, let me drive you home.” Emma didn’t add the ‘because you look like shit’, but it was completely implied. 

Regina capitulated easily after only a short moment of indecision, with the single stipulation that Emma have a chance to properly enjoy her breakfast first. It was clearly a win but it made Emma wonder what had happened to make the former Queen so tractable.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here be the mentions of marital rape. I tagged it at the beginning of the story as well but I don't want anybody to wander in unprepared.

Regina closed her eyes and tried desperately to think of absolutely nothing besides the relief she felt at going home. She’d thought she could simply ignore it all away and tried desperately to do so by going on about her day like nothing had happened. Being in Emma’s presence had the most amazing ability to calm and center her and she had been relying on exactly that as she tried to attack her normal schedule. But it had been clear just minutes into their daily breakfast that it wasn’t enough.

She was having the most aggravating difficulty pushing away the images from her nightmare, the images from her past really, and the tension they created was causing her headache to worsen progressively. It was the smell of Granny’s entirely delightful breakfast plates making her gag that had forced her to realize that her plan for the day was utterly doomed. So when Emma had offered to drive her home she didn’t even consider refusing the offer. She was in no condition to drive herself and walking to her office instead just seemed useless. Even more confusing was the knowledge that the thought of a little more time with the blonde was impossible to turn down.

Despite her struggles she had forced herself to allow Emma to finish her meal, as it was the only considerate option, and had even managed to engage in a bit of small talk that seemed to encourage Emma slightly. But moving from the diner to the car had broken her brief respite from the memories and they began assault her all over again. It had been so long since a nightmare had been so visceral as to follow her through her day that Regina was struggling badly; but then lately she’d been dreaming more about her mother than about him.

The King. 

But that wasn’t thinking of nothing, that was thinking of something, and she pushed it ruthlessly from her mind. The blankness left was soothing, and she floated in it until a gentle hand on her shoulder let her know they’d arrived.

She opened her eyes to Emma holding out her hand expectantly. “Come on, give me your keys.”

It hadn't actually occurred to her that Emma would stay, though if she’d been more together it would have. Month’s ago she’d have refused without equivocation and weeks ago she’d have turned down the offer sadly and maybe been convinced to change her mind. Today she just handed her house keys over and exited the car slowly and with a minimum of jostling. 

When they finally pushed through the front door the cool darkness of the foyer was a soothing bliss. Regina stood gratefully for a moment soaking it in as Emma rid herself of her jacket and then helped Regina with hers as well. 

“Where’s your Tylenol or Aspirin or whatever?” As she asked she dropped the keys on the foyer table and then flung their jackets over the banister in a move that would usually draw Regina’s ire.

Today she barely noticed “The medicine cabinet in the master bedroom. High and out of reach.”

“Perfect, because that’s where you and I are headed.”

The thought should have caused a panic to swell inside her but nothing could dislodge the contentment that accompanied knowing that, for just a little while longer, someone was going to take care of her.

Emma was going to take care of her.

She clung to the thought as they made their way to the master bedroom and didn’t even bother trying to gather herself as she perched on the edge of her bed and waited while Emma went in search of pills from the bathroom. It would have been little use anyway - Emma had become a master at seeing through her masks and tearing down her protective walls. This close, it wouldn’t even be a challenge and honestly, Regina didn’t want to hide from her anymore - it was exhausting. Besides, there was little left that she felt the need to bury away from her unlikely confidant and that was both frightening and liberating. 

But at that immediate moment it was mostly frightening because only the details of her nightmares remained a secret between them and Regina was fighting the most alarming desire to unburden herself. The thought sent a shiver through her frame and she wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

Emma returned grimly from her mission and interrupted Regina’s ballooning doubts with a half full glass and three pills. Regina took them with a profound sense of deja-vu, and glanced up quickly, wondering if the other woman was feeling it as well.

Emma just quirked a blonde eyebrow, not amused. “Yeah, this is all pretty familiar.” Her neutral expression was replaced with a scowl. “You weren’t taking care of yourself then either.”

Regina opened her mouth to reply then tossed back the pills in her hand with a gulp of water instead. She had no idea how to start, and any reply she could have made would have definitely been starting, so held her tongue. 

“You were supposed to call me.”

It was another statement Regina couldn’t answer so she just closed her eyes, trying not to think about things like failing, and disappointing, and losing. Losing family and friends, losing a future.

Losing Emma.

A sigh from above broke her rambling thoughts and then Emma was guiding her down and under the covers, curled protectively on her side and still completely clad in businesswear minus her heals, but it simply didn’t seem to matter. As Emma left her and Regina closed her eyes again, trying not to think, nothing mattered. 

The caring comfort that Emma offered was leaving and nothing mattered.

But she didn’t hear her bedroom door open or close as expected and that was just confusing enough to tempt her to lift her head from the comfort of her pillow. She was moving slowly though and before she could there was a telltale dip in the mattress and a weight settled in behind her. There was a brief pause and Regina managed only to pull in a breath before a warmth curved against her back and an arm draped gently and protectively over her midsection.

Emma hadn’t left - she’d stayed - and that mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma maintained her loose hold on the form she’d pulled protectively against herself for quite some time. She had no idea what to do in this time between talking so she just lay there, knowing that Regina wasn’t asleep and willing herself to believe that Regina would make the only real decision that could even begin to help her heal.

The waiting wasn’t so hard for the first hour but by the second Emma was starting to wonder if she’d simply missed her opportunity. Hour three had the afternoon sun streaming through an open window and Emma completely mired in doubt. She’s just about convinced herself that she should just get up and leave the poor woman in peace when an almost inaudible mumble caused her to hold her breath and then query hesitantly, “Regina?”

Her first words in hours had been muffled by the pillow and Regina shifted her head slightly to be free of the obstacle.

“I couldn’t,” she breathed only slightly louder than before, but Emma caught it.

“Couldn’t what?”

“Call you. Every time I woke up... screaming... I tried, but I just couldn’t.”

Emma could have asked ‘Why not?’ but she didn’t need to. Regina knew if she called the first questions would be about the nightmares - the nightmares she’d begged months before that Emma ignore. 

“You have to tell me about them,” Emma whispered quietly, calmly, to the woman who was still surprisingly relaxed in her embrace. Being tense took strength that Regina just didn’t have. “You can’t go on like this.”

“I know. You’re right. I will, I just... need a minute...”

Regina trailed off and never really finished the thought but Emma understood. She understood that this was a big step, and a hard one, and starting was the hardest part of all. She understood that this would change things for Regina, even though Emma knew nothing would change for herself. But mostly she understood that they’d already started, whether Regina recognized it or not. 

Minutes passed then, “Snow can never know.” 

Regina had only gotten through one sentence and Emma already felt the bile rise in her throat - she knew they were talking about Leopold. Emma had learned a lot about Regina’s past from the book and Snow and even Regina herself, but she knew literally nothing about Regina’s marriage and that thought was truly terrifying.

Had always been terrifying.

“Of course not. I won’t betray your confidence to anyone. Even Mary Margaret.” Emma paused, considering what she was about to learn. “Especially Mary Margaret. Is that… Was that keeping you from calling me?”

“It would destroy her.”

Emma didn’t dare point out the incongruity of that statement with the history between the two. Nor did she point out what it said about what their relationship had become. She just nodded slightly and whispered the most sincere “I promise” that had ever passed her lips.

“The King loved his wife and he loved Snow,” Regina began in a voice so wooden and lifeless that it made the hair on the back of Emma’s neck stand on end. “He fawned over them like precious gifts and cherished them above everything. It was almost unnatural but... when he was with his family he was a good man.”

“The only other thing he loved was power and after his wife died, he lusted after it with a single minded determination. But he was a small man and a useless king losing control of a tiny kingdom... and all he had left to control was me.”

Regina paused and Emma felt her swallow tightly, forcing herself to continue.

“My wedding vows were considered my consent.”

“Regina-”

“After he’d…” The word wouldn’t come and she quickly abandoned the attempt to label what had occurred between them. “After our evenings together he would send in a nurse to tend to me but her skills were poor and eventually she was forced to send for a healer. He took one look…”

Regina trailed off again and Emma had no idea what to do. The woman pressed against her was as still as death, barely breathing, and getting swallowed up in the very memories that Emma was hoping to help her purge. She was clearly being overwhelmed. 

“Regina?” 

Regina pulled in an almost startled breath and then continued in a watery, quivering voice that broken Emma’s heart in two. 

“The pain was…” There didn’t seem to be a word for what the pain was and Regina gave up trying to find it even as her body tensed with it’s memory. “I thought that surely I would die; some days I even welcomed the thought. My life was nothing but pain and humiliation and loneliness and death was the only escape I could imagine. But somehow I survived and each time he became more brazen and more brutal - he’d found his ultimate high. He reveled in using me to the brink of death as often as he thought I could take it and then denying me it’s salvation.”

Regina was trembling in her arms with silent tears streaking her face as she finally unburdened herself and, as awful as it was, how painful it was to see, Emma welcomed it over the dead, emotionless tone that had characterized the beginning of her monologue. Regina’s emotions were so much a part of her that to see her devoid of them completely had been like watching death itself slowly take her. 

“I had nothing, only my pain, and it was a constant reminder of him. And that’s what he wanted.” Regina continued in a softer tone that still wavered with the tremors wracking her body. “I was a possession. Everything was stipped from me - my love, my life, my freedom. I couldn’t-” Regina’s voice broke and she began to weep in earnest. She tried to curl into a ball to contain the sobs but Emma gathered her tighter against herself and spooned around her completely, knowing she felt as though she was flying apart and trying desperately to help hold her together. What the former Queen had had to endure at the hands of a monster then relive nightly for decades with no support at all - the thought of making her continue any more right now was simply unconscionable.

“Shhh… shhh. Stop now. Breathe. You’re amazing. I’m so proud of you. Just breathe now.”

She repeated herself over and over until the words started to sound foreign and nonsensical. But her tone never wavered from calm and soothing and slowly Regina fought her way back from the brink of hysteria she’d been teetering over. Her tears diminished along with her gasping breaths and eventually her body let go of the tension it had been accumulating as she recounted the horror that was her marriage.

“I didn’t want anyone to know.” Regina’s words were slurred slightly and Emma could only hope that sleep was finally claiming her. Her mind and her body needed rest desperately, that much had been clear to her even months ago when she’d found Regina crumpled up on her foyer floor, struggling to survive. 

“But maybe it’s ok if you do…” Regina’s words trailed off and she was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote this, and it came out exactly as I planned, but I didn't post it for a while and I couldn't figure out why. Finally it dawned on me that I was trying to figure out if it was _realistic_. I was honestly troubled because I really couldn't convince myself that anyone would help "just a friend" in the way I describe Emma helping Regina. 
> 
> And, well, that made me sad (and a little bit angry) and so I'm posting it as is because I truly hope that there are people out there who would, and I fervently hope that I'm one of them. Because at some point in our lives most of us will come to a point when we need exactly the sort of help that I tried to depict above. Whether or not the "just a friend" turns out to be something more.


	4. Chapter 4

Emma was standing at the bottom of the stairs when Henry burst in after school, having heard him scuffing down the sidewalk and up the drive through the open bedroom windows. Before he could slam the door behind him he saw Emma hold up her hands and mutter quietly. “Hold it, kid. Quiet.”

Henry was a bright one to begin with and it certainly didn’t take a genius to figure out that something wasn’t right. His carefree expression, so much like he’d worn when she’d met him as a boy was replaced by the worried expression of a young man in a heartbeat. “Where’s Mom?”

He started walking towards the stairs, intent on answering his own question when Emma stepped forward and met him halfway, placing her hands on his shoulders and stopping his progress. In a flicker the little boy was back, looking scared. “Is she ok?”

“Yeah kid, she’s ok. She’s sleeping now but she’s had a hard day.”

“I knew something was wrong this morning. I should have-” Henry sniffed, the quick spike of adrenaline he’d gotten and then quickly lost leaving him on the verge of tears. “I should have done something.”

Emma pulled him into a reassuring embrace, clearly the designated hugger of the family this afternoon, and glanced up the stairs in indecision. She didn’t want to leave Regina alone for any longer than necessary but at the same time she knew Regina would want her to comfort their distressed son, no matter what was going on with her.

Emma gave it only a quick beat of thought before she guided Henry into the kitchen and lovingly shoved him towards a kitchen chair. Then she started gathering the makings of a sandwich from the fridge. 

“Your mom’s gonna be fine kid. You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to her, right?” She slapped some mayonnaise onto two pieces of bread, laying it on thinly because she knew it would make Regina happy.

“I know you’ll try but you can’t protect her from everything,” Henry sniffed again. “Like… the things she won’t tell me about.” He looked down glumly at his hands and Emma sighed. She grabbed a couple slices of deli meat and folded them neatly across the bread as Regina always did instead of dropping them haphazardly as was her normal custom.

“What if I told you she was telling me about them? Would that make you feel better, or worse?” She sliced up some tomato and lettuce and put it together with the other sandwich bits while Henry considered her thoughtfully. Ruining a sandwich with vegetables was a travesty in her book but Regina always added them for Henry without fail.

“Is she? Or are you just saying that?” She grabbed a plate silently from the cupboard and brought Henry his after school snack. He gave it a disinterested glance then returned his stare to Emma, waiting for a response.

Instead of answering, she nodded towards the sandwich in front of him and raised an eyebrow. Henry just glared at her for a minute then mumbled, “Diagonally please.”. Regina never decided which way to cut the sandwich, that was always Henry’s job. Emma had laughed at the ritual when she first learned about it but it suddenly seemed incredibly important.

Emma made the cut and then slid it in front him. “She is. Now answer my question.”

Henry took a bite and chewed it thoughtfully and Emma tried not to glance at the clock and calculate how long she’d already left Regina alone. 

“It makes me feel better.” 

Emma gave him a smile, genuine but rushed, and patted his arm. “Good. That’s good kid. Now I really should go back and check on her. You know,” she gave a shrug. “Just in case.”

Henry nodded, concerned you man replacing scared little boy once again. “Go take care of Mom. I’ll do my homework and maybe make a frozen pizza or something later for us because… I mean, you’re staying right?” Emma was paying close enough attention to realize that he was asking about more than dinner. 

“You know your mom kid, but I’m staying as long as she’ll let me.” 

~-~-~

Regina hadn't woken when Emma left to speak with Henry nor did she wake when she crawled back into the gigantic, blissfully comfortable bed and gathered the sleeping woman back into her arms. It wasn't until much later, when the first smell of pizza gently wafted into the room that Emma felt her stir in her arms.

She woke slowly, almost peacefully and it was amazing to see Regina like that - relaxed, not at war with herself or the world. But Emma knew it wasn’t her natural state (but someday, she vowed) and she held her breath waiting for the moment when Regina remembered how she’d opened herself up and allowed someone else inside her protective walls. She waited for the moment she knew was coming - when Regina felt vulnerable. 

It wasn’t much longer and then a tremor passed through the body snug against her own. Emma squeezed her eyes shut in sympathetic pain even as Regina tried to somehow put distance between them. It all happened so quickly that Emma barely had time to decide what to do and ended up tightening her hold a fraction and whispering softly, "Please don't." 

It was a gamble, trapping Regina against her, especially knowing what she knew now and one she probably wouldn’t have taken if she’s had more time to really think it through. But Emma was certain if she lost this connection now Regina would bury herself down so deep that Emma would have no chance of reaching her until another crisis stripped her bare, and Emma simply couldn’t handle the thought of letting Regina struggle through this alone any longer. So she committed to her plan and held on firmly, but not tightly, and whispered again, “It’s ok, I promise it’s ok. Just don’t pull away. We need to do this together.”

Regina hesitated briefly and Emma spent the time doubting herself and the liberties she was taking with a woman she’d only been calling a friend for a few months. But miraculously the slight struggling stopped and Emma allowed herself a relieved breath even though Regina remained rigid and tense within the circle of her arms. Still operating by instinct alone, Emma loosened her hold almost to the point of nonexistence, hoping it would somehow help ease the other woman’s anxiety. 

She expected yet another long patch of silence to fall between them as Regina gathered herself and contemplated her situation and barely managed not to startle when Regina’s hitching words began almost immediately after her surrender. “I don’t know how to do this Emma. I couldn’t do it alone and I couldn’t let you help me either… I’m just too weak.” Regina choked out the last word like a curse and Emma could almost hear Cora’s voice whispering poison in Regina’s ear. 

"Weak? I don't understand - you're the strongest person I know." 

"I can't... I can't get past this. Why can’t I get past this! It's been decades and he still haunts me. I’m just... I've always been too weak."

"You survived Regina. You survived that bastard and his Hell.” Emma practically spit out the declaration and there was no way to misinterpret her feelings on the matter of King Leopold. “There's nothing weak about that."

"How can you-"

Emma cut her question off abruptly with one of her own, very uncomfortable with the direction of Regina's thoughts and painfully aware of how truly out of her depth she'd stumbled. "Do you remember the last thing you said to me?"

Silence was Regina's answer so she continued in the most matter of fact tone she could muster, certain that Regina had been too lost to sleep to remember her own words. "You told me that you never wanted anybody to know about the King but maybe it was ok if I did. You said that, and you were right. It's ok. You've been carrying this burden by yourself for so long. I promise you, you aren't weak, you're just tired. It's ok to give it to me to carry. Just for a little while so you can rest. It's ok."

Emma could feel Regina’s conflict through their physical connection and was terrified her words had done more harm than good. So many people in her life had already let Regina down and Emma couldn’t stand the thought she could end up on that list as well. 

As she waited the doubts began to circle in her mind, feeding off each other and gaining strength as Regina’s silence continued. But even as the thoughts swirled and left her sick with worry, she just couldn’t quite bring herself to regret the attempt. 

And so she waited.

When the form in front of her finally shifted Emma felt her thoughts still and was careful not to restrain Regina in anyway as she had before - that had been a move of desperation that she’d been lucky hadn’t backfired. But Regina wasn’t shifting away. Instead she grasped the hand that hand been lightly slung over her waist since she woke and pulled it tightly against her heart. Emma felt the breath she’d been holding trickle out slowly in a relieved sigh as she lay there, awed and amazed and a little disbelieving that Regina had somehow made the choice to trust her. 

It wouldn’t be until much later that she even realized she’d been brushing gentle kisses against the head tucked in front of her the entire wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate it when Regina's sad. Why do I do this? Thank heaven for Emma...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. Bitter Sweet for me.

The minute he saw them enter the kitchen Henry launched himself at Regina and pulled her into a hug with such force that it was pretty clear he’d been waiting to do so since since he’d returned home hours earlier. He was getting bigger every second and the impact he generated would have been enough to make Regina stumble, even on a good day, if Emma hadn’t braced her against the collision with a hand on her back. None of that registered with Regina, however, because Henry was wrapped around her like she was the most important thing in the world and she was soaking it up like a dry sponge. Her eyes fluttered closed with the feel of it and she pulled in her first truly deep breath in ages.

Henry’s face had ended up buried against Regina’s shoulder and when he spoke his words were muffled. "You ok mom?"

Her arms wrapped around him after only a second of surprised hesitation and she held him closely, continuing to soak up the comfort. Her conscience was screaming at her to to be stronger - to not need such things from her son - but she held those thoughts at bay as much as she could and allowed herself a few more moments of the comfort she so often denied herself. "Yes sweetheart, of course."

Henry pulled back slightly to eye her critically and then declared in a disapproving tone, "You look tired."

Regina smiled in response, mostly to hide her discomfort at Henry's determined insistence at taking on the role of caretaker, and ruffled his hair gently as she had when he was younger. "I know. I haven't been sleeping well lately."

"Worse than usual?" A disapproving frown appeared on Henry’s face to match his tone.

This time Regina couldn't muster her smile, instead pulling in a pained breath despite herself, unaware that Henry had known of her constant struggle. Her thoughts quickly began to spiral to familiar dark places where she risked losing herself, but the comforting hand on her back quickly picked up a soothing circle between her shoulder blades and she drew strength from it - using it to reign in her damning thoughts and gather herself just enough reassure Henry.

"Slightly, I suppose." Years of practice allowed her to school her voice into a reassuring tenor despite her inner turmoil, and she was grateful. "But there's nothing to worry about. These things happen sometimes. I'm certain I'll return to more normal sleeping patterns soon enough."

"Mom-"

The hand on her back stilled and she knew Emma could feel her tension ratcheting up with each question even as she tried her hardest to remain outwardly relaxed. When Emma interrupted Henry’s next question with "Henry, pizza?", she was pathetically grateful because she was most definitely losing the battle. Already she could feel her breathing getting thready and distressed.

The distraction worked as planned and Henry's eyes widened comically in response. "Oh shi..." Regina's dangerously narrowed eyes caught his attention and he corrected barely in time. "Shoot!" 

He darted to the stove and grabbed at the pizza, thankfully unburned, while Emma steered Regina towards the table and gently forced her to sit. She took a step towards Henry at the counter then appeared to change her mind and sat in her spot next to Regina, not managing to hide the brief moment she took to marvel that she even had a spot at the Mills family table, and let the kid serve them both.

It was terribly decadent and they laughed about it together as they started their meal. That somehow lead to a conversation about Henry’s allegedly meager allowance and the rising cost of living which segued nicely to comic books and movies and the rapidly approaching school break and suddenly the meal was over and Regina was more relaxed than she’d been all week.

It was blissful and she looked to Emma with a smile, not knowing exactly what she wanted to convey but suddenly feeling the need to connect with her in some fashion but not bold enough to reach out her hand.

“Mom?” Henry interrupted while chewing his last bite of dinner.

Regina tore her gaze from Emma and transferred it to her son. “Don’t talk with your mouth full dear. What is it?”

Henry swallowed hastily with an unapologetic smile. “Could you check my math homework? Integrals are the Devil.”

She chuckled softly at Henry’s exaggeration, clearly a genetic trait, and marveled at the fact that she found Henry and Emma’s vast similarities comforting these days, where just a few months ago it was something too overwhelming for her to even contemplate. “Of course. I’ll look at it after Emma leaves.”

Their response to such an offhand comment was startling, and Regina had no idea what she’d done to cause it, but both of her dinner companions froze and glanced at each other in a way that immediately put her on edge. She had to reminded herself forcefully and repeatedly that this was Emma and Henry, not her mother or Rumple or The King conspiring against her - sharing knowing looks and planning a course she wanted no part of. It was an almost impossible task though, and she gritted her teeth with the effort.

Emma nodded up towards Henry’s room with her chin, Regina’s sudden tension not lost on her. “Go get your homework kid and give us a minute.”

The two shared another look which Regina had to force herself to breathe calmly through before Henry pushed himself away from the table and bounded up the stairs making so much noise you’d assume it was a stampede of elephants and not a medium sized boy.

Emma eyed her appraisingly over their empty plates and then threw out in a manner so nonchalant that it was clearly anything but, “I was planning on staying.”

Regina blew out a frustrated breath, certain they’d had this conversation months ago. "Emma, that's not-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. 'That's not a sustainable solution',” Emma intoned in a fine impersonation of her companion. “You said that last time but it turns out that your plan wasn't sustainable either because here we are."

Regina scowled at Emma’s fairly glib tone and set her mouth in a hard line. Did the other woman think this was some kind of joke? "I am not going to allow this to disrupt your life as it has mine. That is simply unacceptable. You are neither my nurse nor my psychologist - my well being is not your responsibility."

Emma shook her head in irritation and matched Regina’s stubborn look with one of her own. “That’s just bullshit and you know it. But you know what? You're right. I'm none of those things - I’m a hell of a lot more. We’re family. You’re my kid’s mom for Christ’s sake!” 

Emma made a noise in the back of her throat that somehow indicated she come to a decision and damn anyone who got in her way. 

“I'm done leaving you. I’m just done.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma had hoped that Regina’s irritation would fade as they passed the evening hours together but, despite the facade that Regina threw up for Henry’s benefit, Emma could see it still simmering right under the surface. It hung there as they cleaned up after dinner and went over homework and searched the channels for something on TV they could all enjoy.

Though she managed to keep her irritation from Henry, she couldn’t quite do the same with her continued exhaustion and he started picking up on it as the evening began to draw to a close. So, instead of trying to wheedle another half hour of downstairs time with his moms, as was family tradition, he just pushed up from his chair, hugged them both (lingering almost imperceptibly draped against Regina) and declared that he was heading to bed.

The silence left behind him was tense enough to be awkward and after a few minutes of fruitless channel surfing Regina muttered something that Emma didn’t really catch and started towards the stairs, climbing them stiffly with her displeasure clearly evident to Emma trailing behind.

Regina entered her room with a slight huff and Emma hesitated outside the door, somehow managing not to take it too personally. She’d known Regina long enough and well enough to understand that she hated feeling out of control and that’s all the day had been for her. Emma was honestly counting herself lucky that Regina’s reaction hadn’t been worse.

But still, the rebuke stung and Emma loitered outside the bedroom door taking some calming breaths and reminding herself how hard this must be for someone with Regina’s trust issues. But when she finally mustered up the backbone to slip into the master bedroom she found that the huffy and irritated Regina she’d spent the last hours with had disappeared and all that was left behind was a frightened woman trying to be anything but. 

Emma had barely made it halfway to Regina seated on the side of the bed before she’d started apologizing in a rush. 

"God Emma, I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to do this. Any of this. I’ve spent so long fighting…”

Regina laughed in a manner that held no mirth and shook her head back and forth a few times in utter confusion. “I almost completely destroyed myself in the process but I still can’t stop fighting.”

“You don’t have to. You just have to let me help.” Emma offered the advice with a slight shrug of her shoulders, finally having made it to the bed and seated herself next to her friend. “You have people who love you now and we aren’t going to let the Cora’s and the Rumples and the Leopolds have you ever again. We just won’t.”

“Emma, you don’t understand!” Regina’s look was suddenly desperate, almost wild, and Emma knew there was a battle for control raging inside of Regina that she was on the verge of losing.

“I’ve been beaten and neglected by a mother who tore her heart out of her chest rather than love me. The only mentor I’ve ever known manipulated me from our very first meeting in the hopes of controlling a power I was born with but never wanted. And my… husband was a man decades older than myself who used my body for his own pleasure without my consent.”

Regina was crying now, silent tears streaming down her cheeks, and she gasped for a breath before continuing with eyes begging Emma to understand what she was trying to tell her. “But before all that - before me - my mother was just a girl who wanted to better herself and Rumple was a husband and father just trying to love his family…”

Emma watched her swallow convulsively before she finished in a whisper. “And when The King was with his family, he was a good man.”

Emma froze, remembering Regina utter those same words earlier in the evening. “No Regina-”

“Yes.” Regina sniffed. Her tears continued to flow but the panic was suddenly gone and replaced by a frightening air of defeat. “What if it was me?”

“You can not blame yourself.” Even as she said the words, she knew that was exactly what Regina was doing, and had been doing for years.

“What if I can’t be saved from the monsters because I’m the one making them? What if the only one destroying me is me?”

Emma grabbed at the hands in Regina’s lap twisting and gripping in agitation and pulled them into her own lap, forcing Regina to turn towards her in the process. Their eyes met and Emma held the contact.

“You don’t get to blame yourself for these things. You aren’t responsible for these monsters. A little girl doesn’t cause her mother to rip out her own heart and a student doesn’t make her mentor betray her.” Emma squeezed the cold hands in her own. “And a wife does not cause her husband’s abuse.”

“Emma-”

“No Regina, listen to me. It doesn’t work that way. I stayed with some nice families when I was a kid but I stayed with some real losers too. Mostly it was just basic neglect but one guy was a real shit and he would lock me in a closet when he got pissy. The wife was always stepping out so it was mostly just him and me and I was certain that one day he would just leave to and never come back and I would die in there. Alone in a fucking closet.”

The story came out of her in a surprising rush. It wasn’t something she’d ever planned to share and she didn’t realize she was crying through it until one of Regina’s hands disentangled from her own and brushed the tears from her cheeks.

It was difficult and embarrassing and she wanted nothing more to drop her eyes and break their contact and go hide out and collect herself but she didn’t. She’d opened herself up for a reason and there was no way she was going to stop this close to bringing her point home. She’d worked hard for the realization she was trying to share and suddenly nothing was more important than sharing it with Regina. 

“What did I do to deserve that? Was that my fault?”

Regina shook her head slowly, empathy making her eyes darker than Emma had ever seen them.

“I need to hear you say it.”

There was a slight pause as Regina scooted closer to Emma on the bed and ducked against her, head resting in the crook of Emma’s neck. “You did nothing to deserve such treatment. You weren’t to blame.”

“And neither were you Regina.”

Regina’s tears had stopped for the moment, but her voice was gravely from the strain. It sounded more like a whisper than anything else. “I should have been more. I should have been better.”

Emma placed a kiss against the head tucked under her chin. “You were perfect.”

“You didn’t even know me then.”

The words were disbelieving but Emma heard hope in them and smiled a small sad smile that Regina couldn’t see. For the first time since she entered Regina’s bedroom she wondered if she was somehow making a difference and the thought buoyed her. She wrapped an arm around Regina, pulling her closer still and hoping to make her feel loved and safe and a thousand other things she couldn’t quite label.

“I know you now and I can see the little girl you protect behind your armor and your walls. I see her and she’s perfect.” 

Emma felt the hiccuping sigh against her breastbone and the splash of fresh tears against her shirt but the question that accompanied it all filled her with the sweetest hope she could imagine. “Will you stay?”

Emma placed another kiss against Regina’s hair and whispered, “Of course I’m staying. When I said I was done leaving you I meant it.”

And she did. That night, and many after, she wrapped herself around Regina through the dark hours and chased away the nightmares that threatened her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it you guys. I'll probably be back, poking and prodding at Regina's broken bits, whether in this series or another, but no promises. Thanks, as always, for reading and for your exceptionally kind words. They mean the world to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hint: Caretaking!Emma is one of my new favorite Emmas.


End file.
